Heyo! It’s your girl back at again with another blog post!
Here’s a little update for you. I have good days and I have bad days.
Some days I think I’m fine, but in reality I am most definitely not.
Here is a little something I wrote on a day where I was defiantly not okay.
“It’s been about a month since I admitted my problem. If I’m being completely honest I thought I’d be okay by now. I’m not. In fact, I feel like my head has gotten worse. I find myself and my thoughts spiraling out of control and I started to freeze up. The devil is taking me in my vulnerable state and using it to his advantage. I thought I’d be able to stand up, but right now, I’m finding it really hard to fight.
In the beginning, I was on like this “high” from admitting my struggle. But once that ran out, I realized I’m very very messed up. God can get me out, but when I get inside my head, I find it hard to see him. I find it hard to admit that I am stuck. I stay in my head because I’m too scared to say that I’m drowning over here. I can’t do it by myself. But I’m really bad at confrontation and the devil knows that. He puts thoughts in my head of what someone would say if I say I need help. When I actually do speak up, I find myself at a loss for words. I don’t know how to describe how I am feeling. So I sit there and say, “Never mind.”
My dad told me that it is a choice. (To simplify it) He wasn’t simplifying it to make my problem a lot less small than it is, but to show me how to maybe train my brain. And that my problem isn’t too big for God to handle. An example would be: do I go with all my friends and burn that barn down or do I stay home and maybe get my homework done? Which one is the wise choice? Obviously the second one.
For me, the wise choice is to eat. I have two choices. One glorifies God and one doesn’t. But here’s the other thing. I could eat. I can waltz right into the kitchen and think about the extraordinary meal I’m about to prepare for myself. I will have the pan in my hand, but then the fear will grab me. I put the pan down and go back upstairs and curl into a ball and ignore how hungry I am.
So yes its two choices. The wise and the unwise. I have to make the wise choice. I struggle to make the wise choice because I’m letting the fear get to me. I’m trying to do this all by myself. If I’m being honest I haven’t brought this to God since April. I’ve been complaining about how I’m stuck, but I’m not even talking to the guy who can help me. I’m frustrated with myself. I don’t want to be frustrated, but I am. I’m trying to do this thing called life for God, but at the moment, I don’t think it’s working. I asked my sister, “How are we supposed to be lights in the world if my light is off?”
My light is off right now. I can’t turn it on for myself, but God can.
BUT it’s also like the light switch is in the middle of a pit of fire surrounded by sharks and poisonous swords. It’s freaking terrifying. I’m terrified. I’m terrified to make the “wise choice” because of what could possibly happen to my outward appearance. God is the one who can and will save me. It’s just a matter of who I am going to allow to help me through the poisonous swords, sharks, and pits of fire. Am I going to keep trying this by myself or am I going to finally realize that it really is only God who will get me through.
I’m going to try, with the help and support of Jesus, to make the wise choice, Dad, but you may have to intervene because this may be “little Jayme” handling the situation.
Peace out girl scouts,
Jayme
(And no, coffee isn’t going to fix my life this time. Although that would be really nice if it worked that way.)